I'm not in control

This shouldn't really come as a surprise anymore, but I've really realized in the last week or two that I'm not in control.

Lately, my (now nicely computerized) schedule has been controlling me. I'm not double booked or anything, but I'm back in the mindset of "surviving the calendar". I feel guilty if I find myself sitting down and it's earlier than 10pm. I'm not living the moment, I'm surviving the day.

Then, on Tuesday, I visited a friend in the hospital. She was in the last days of a very brave and inspirational battle with cancer. I don't think that people going through things like that realize what an impact they have on those around them. They may not think they are doing anything special, but "we" are watching. We watch from the sidelines and admire the depth of their trust in God. We watch and learn how someone in the midst of one of life's most agonizing struggles still lifts their head in laughter. How they still carry the sparkle in their eyes. How they share their pain with those who support them. Yesterday, Carol's time with us on earth was up. And the world will never quite be the same again.

So what did I learn from this? I learned that God gives me pain and suffering so that I can better feel the pain and suffering of others. I learned that no matter what you are going through, there is always room for a little bit of joy. I learned that people out there are watching me, and how I handle the joys and sorrows of raising Doug. I've learned that no matter how brave the fight, God is in control of what, when, and how life happens.

And so I sit today - not quite in control. But I will live the moment, for I know not how many remain.

Perspective

Perspective. What is it?

According to Websters, perspective is "the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance". In life this means that the important things are important and the unimportant things are not. Sounds really simple. Life lived in perspective is a life that makes sense. Somehow, I think I may have drifted.

In an effort to manage time more efficiently, our family is fully in the digital age. Each of us has a Microsoft Outlook calendar with our appointments and tasks on it. Yes, even our 4 year old. I've commissioned a laptop, whose sole purpose is to sit on the kitchen counter and display this information full screen in an "overlayed" mode - where each of our appointments are viewed in all their colour coded glory. What is happening though, is a little unexpected.

I now find myself rushing headlong through life "checking off tasks" as I complete them. Meeting downtown? Check. Pond field trip? Check. Work document edited and distributed? Check. Make an appearance at daughter's last roller blading? (hopefully) Check. Specialist appointment? Check. Sports Day? Check. Do dishes? Check. You get the idea. My focus is on getting the scheduled stuff done on time. The goal? To check off everything before it becomes past due. To quote a pathetic excuse for a hockey team "Git 'r done". I'm missing the whole point of the exercise - which is in the doing of the stuff.

I finally got a handle on this concept this morning. It has been rattling around in my head for a couple of weeks now, and I just couldn't make sense of it.[1] I was listening to a "sweet" sermon this morning by Kevin, and he made me think. One of the experiences he related from his life was watching one of the charter members of the church power wash the parking lot one day. John was doing the whole lot, not just the sidewalks and stuff. Anyhow, after watching him work on this all day, getting soaked with gritty dirty water, Kevin asked him if he enjoyed pressure washing or something. John's reply stuck with him. He said (something like) "I get more satisfaction from completing something truly worth doing than I would from simply having fun."

What wisdom. What perspective.

Satisfaction doesn't come from doing it all. Satisfaction comes from doing that which is truly worth doing. I need to take a step back from it all, and look for satisfaction in the doing. This means that while I drop in to see Samantha roller blade - she will have my undivided attention. I won't be on a conference call, or counting the minutes until I need to leave. I will be in the moment. That moment may not be very long (as I don't see a short term solution to the busyness), but for that moment I need to block out all distractions.

If it's truly worth doing, then it is truly worth doing well.


[1] I guess I should have scheduled some time to blog, eh?

Why Am I Doing This?

I've been wondering ever since I decided to hold the Ride for Doug why I'm doing it. What are my motives? It certainly isn't that I have too much spare time!

And I'm not sure I've figured out. I've got a few thoughts, and I'm sure that they all contribute. In no particular order:

• I want to give back. Helping others is one of the best ways to stop thinking about yourself. Sometimes we have the skills and abilities to help with other people's problems even when we can't get our own crap together.
• I want to raise awareness of what Muscular Dystrophy is, and how to contribute to finding a cure.
• I want to feel the support of another community - the riding community. For my own strength.
• I want to go riding with some friends.
• I want to give Doug a chance to be the centre of attention around a bunch of motorcycles, and give him an event to look forward to each year.

I'm sure there's more. But I'm not sure I need to figure out why anymore. I'm starting to spread the word, and it won't be long until the "why" is quickly drowned out by the "how".

Ride for Doug

I'm a classic procrastinator.

So, in an effort to hold myself accountable, I'm going to make an announcement in public so that if I fail to follow through you all can point and laugh at me.

Announcing the First Annual "Ride for Doug".

This will be an afternoon group motorcycle ride to raise awareness for Muscular Dystrophy (and to get some riding in). I meant to do this last year already, and procrastinated it right out of the riding season. So mark it down on your calendars now.[1]

I don't plan on doing the first one up as a super big deal - I've never been on a large group ride before - let alone led or organised one. I'll probably collect donations for one of the Muscular Dystrophy organisations, but I'm not looking to turn this into a big fundraising deal. It will be lucky if I can get enough time to organise a date and a route! This will be a ride for me to show Doug that I care, and to show him some of the others that care too.

So - all you fellow bikers - if you are interested in joining me, let me know. If you are gifted with time and organisational skills - let me know. If you've ever been a ride captain, sweep rider, or one of those shriners on the little teeny bikes - let me know.

[edit: I've started a new page for organizing this ride at RideForDoug.com. (There's also a link in my "Interesting Links" section.)


[1] Then tell me the date you marked down - so I can try to plan for the same date. :) (I'm likely looking at a Sunday afternoon in July)

Are you Tigger or Pooh?

I was involved in a conversation last night about personalities. The challenge was to figure out which Winnie the Pooh character best represents your life. I couldn't figure it out for me. A number of people in the group we were with identified with Eeyore or Rabbit, but those just aren't me. Tigger, likewise doesn't seem to match up. So I took a quiz.

Naturally, the discussion led towards whether or not we had a choice in our view of life. Are our predispositions an integral part of who we are, or do we have a choice in which lens we view life through. This was a much tougher question to answer, and one which we all wrestle with daily whether we know it or not. We don't have control of what goes on around us, so how can we expect to control how we approach life's challenges? When life is dishing up one insurmountable challenge after another, and the world is overwhelming you, what chance is there to alter how you look at the world? You barely have time to breathe, let alone the strength to change from a "worrier" to an "optimist". The best it seems you can do is weather the storm and just hang on. Personal growth isn't an option.

Or is it?

I read somewhere once that the most important things on the face of the earth are people. And that the only thing about people that lives forever is their character. The deeper the relationship with other people is, and the more time that passes, the more obvious this becomes. Strength of character is way more important than how much money you have, or how smart you are, or how successful you are in society. But wait, there's more. This book also suggested that every single decision and challenge we face in life has but one important outcome. Each of these situations shapes your character. I had thought about this before, but I'd always thought of it as "if I make this radical decision, I'll be changing my life - and my character". What I hadn't considered is that even when I follow the "same old same old" decision making process, I'm building my character. Every decision I make contributes to who I am, and how I will make the next decision. This means, that if I'm stuck in a rut of worry and distress, or of hopelessness and dispair, I'm only adding to the problem. I'm building a "stronger" character that I don't want to become.

Looking at the other side of this is much more positive. Everytime I make the "right" decision and weather a storm in a positive way, I'm building good character. This, in turn, gives me more strength to make another change for the next crisis. Even if I have trouble with the big stuff, I can still take postive steps with each and every little problem that comes up, and build up the character I need for the big stuff. This is great news!

And it also gives me a Point to Ponder. If character is one of the most important things on the face of the earth, and character is built through adversity, how short sighted is it of me to wallow in self pity? God is giving me the challenges every day that I need to become a better person. How sad it would be to go through life without challenge, and arrive at the far end without character. (for those of you following along with your mp3 players, cue "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor now)

As to which Pooh character I'm like? I'm not sure I really know. Oh bother.