Saturday, June 23, 2007

I'm not in control

This shouldn't really come as a surprise anymore, but I've really realized in the last week or two that I'm not in control.

Lately, my (now nicely computerized) schedule has been controlling me. I'm not double booked or anything, but I'm back in the mindset of "surviving the calendar". I feel guilty if I find myself sitting down and it's earlier than 10pm. I'm not living the moment, I'm surviving the day.

Then, on Tuesday, I visited a friend in the hospital. She was in the last days of a very brave and inspirational battle with cancer. I don't think that people going through things like that realize what an impact they have on those around them. They may not think they are doing anything special, but "we" are watching. We watch from the sidelines and admire the depth of their trust in God. We watch and learn how someone in the midst of one of life's most agonizing struggles still lifts their head in laughter. How they still carry the sparkle in their eyes. How they share their pain with those who support them. Yesterday, Carol's time with us on earth was up. And the world will never quite be the same again.

So what did I learn from this? I learned that God gives me pain and suffering so that I can better feel the pain and suffering of others. I learned that no matter what you are going through, there is always room for a little bit of joy. I learned that people out there are watching me, and how I handle the joys and sorrows of raising Doug. I've learned that no matter how brave the fight, God is in control of what, when, and how life happens.

And so I sit today - not quite in control. But I will live the moment, for I know not how many remain.