A Doug Moment

Every once in a while, something completely innocuous reminds me of Doug, and the challenges we face. I call these "Doug Moments". They are (generally) brief moments in time where our life situation strikes me deeply to the core.

Today I had another one.

I was "working out" in the hotel gym. (no that's not a typo) As I was resting in between exercises (as one my age tends to do more and more) I was telling myself that I really should take a few days off from all this exercise stuff. After all, what I'm really doing is tearing my muscles up, and I need to wait for my body to rebuild them. Then, I'll look just like Ah-nold.

It hit me then right in my gut. Doug's muscles don't rebuild the same way mine do. His break down, not build up. And there's not a bloody thing that I can do about it.

And for a few minutes there, life really sucked.

WWMS

What Would Mao Say.

That's my title for today. I'm currently in China, and now that I'm settling into a routine, I thought I would take some time to catch up with some of the thoughts that have been rattling around in my head. Only China has different ideas. You see - I cannot access my blog from here. I cannot read it, and I cannot post to it. It appears that the powers that be think blogs are a danger to their national security.

Well, my mental security is more important - so I've worked around the problem. But it's slow and tedious. It's hard enough to get motivated as it is. I don't need this new headache.

The Road Ahead

It's been a month now since I held the Ride For Doug, and I haven't updated my blog yet with it. This truely isn't fair. It was an extremely moving experience to be part of that whole day, and it deserves it's time in print. So here we go.

The Ride For Doug was an emotional roller coaster. Did I plan for enough riders, is anyone going to show up? Will I have to worry about attitudes and safety during the ride? What if someone crashes or gets lost? What if people don't have fun? What am I overlooking? Will I be able to hold it together the whole time?

You know what? Once we finally got rolling - all of those worries vanished. It was an incredible day of riding. 17 bikes with friends, relatives, and strangers - all riding for a single purpose. It seems really shallow - but the simple action of a dozen and a half bikes riding down the road together moved me in ways that I cannot put into words.

At more than one point in the ride, I was almost moved to tears. I may have been - if real men didn't cry. (it gets the leather wet) I can clearly remember riding down 16th avenue and looking into my rear view mirror and seeing a line of bikes stretching back into the distance. I looked back, and I knew that I was not alone. By the simple action of riding with me for one afternoon, all of these people were telling me that they were behind me. Behind Doug.

At more than one time, I looked forward - and what did I see? Blind corners, potholes, cars in the oncoming lane, or lurking in driveways. Danger, peril, and uncertainty lined the road ahead. But all it took was a quick glance back to remind me of why I was there. I was riding for Doug. And I am not riding alone.

Too Long

It's been far too long since I've made time to post here. The Ride For Doug has chewed up and spit out any spare time I may have had. There's a few updates on that website if you want to see them - www.ridefordoug.com.

I'll be off on a business trip for a whole month now. If I can get the internet connection in my hotel working, I'll do my best to "catch up" there.

I'm not in control

This shouldn't really come as a surprise anymore, but I've really realized in the last week or two that I'm not in control.

Lately, my (now nicely computerized) schedule has been controlling me. I'm not double booked or anything, but I'm back in the mindset of "surviving the calendar". I feel guilty if I find myself sitting down and it's earlier than 10pm. I'm not living the moment, I'm surviving the day.

Then, on Tuesday, I visited a friend in the hospital. She was in the last days of a very brave and inspirational battle with cancer. I don't think that people going through things like that realize what an impact they have on those around them. They may not think they are doing anything special, but "we" are watching. We watch from the sidelines and admire the depth of their trust in God. We watch and learn how someone in the midst of one of life's most agonizing struggles still lifts their head in laughter. How they still carry the sparkle in their eyes. How they share their pain with those who support them. Yesterday, Carol's time with us on earth was up. And the world will never quite be the same again.

So what did I learn from this? I learned that God gives me pain and suffering so that I can better feel the pain and suffering of others. I learned that no matter what you are going through, there is always room for a little bit of joy. I learned that people out there are watching me, and how I handle the joys and sorrows of raising Doug. I've learned that no matter how brave the fight, God is in control of what, when, and how life happens.

And so I sit today - not quite in control. But I will live the moment, for I know not how many remain.