Some of you will be able to relate to this one. If you are an older sibling of someone with a disability, I'd really like your input.
There's been an extra amount of busyness around our house this last month as preparations for the second annual Ride For Doug take place. There are e-mails to send, phone calls to make, things to decide, and stuff to organize. But out of all that noise is a small voice crying out "But what about me?"
This time, it's not Doug. It's Samantha. She sees the hustle and bustle through the eyes of an 8 year old. She is watching what looks like a disproportionate amount of our time go into Doug's life. How does one explain to an 8 year old that a specialist appointment isn't really the same as going to the park, and that RFD is about helping others - not just Doug.[1] We really DO spend time with her, but like all kids - it doesn't add up the same for her as it does for us.
I like to think that we are spending our time fairly between the kids, but what kid really ever can get enough attention? Samantha loves to be loved. Spend time with her, and she just soaks it in - she can't get enough of it. But what is it like to view things through her eyes? As time goes by, Doug will need more and more medical and support attention. How can we make this not be a threat to her?
One thing that we've tried to do is set up a time once a week where Doug is out with a respite worker. During this time, we do something with her. Sometimes we go to the library, sometimes we just sit and play video games together. Hopefully (if the weather ever warms up) I'll get to take her on some father-daughter evening rides. But I'm a bit lost here. How can I make her realize that we love her just as much, and that we ARE spending time with her?
I'm hoping that some of you who have been through this can let me know what's going on in her head and what might work. Please leave comments here so others in the same situation can benefit from your wisdom.
[1] The title of the ride is catchy, but a bit misleading for a kid.
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My only thought is take every opportunity you can with her. It doesn't have to be both you and Allison but even just one of you doing something with her while the other is with Doug. Tell her you love her and show her by spending time with her. That's all kids ultimately want. It doesn't have to be extravagant... going for a ride, reading a book, playing a game, talking to her about her day or her dreams, anything that simply involves you spending time with her will make all the difference in the world. Try reading the 5 love languages for kids and see what categories each of your kids fall into. It will help you do things that speak "LOVE" in their own language. (Karen tells me it's really an amazing book... I've read the adult one and it's helped us in our marriage) D.
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