One of the things that I frequently find myself wondering is "why". Why does God let suffering happen in the world, and in particular, why does God let this much suffering happen to me. Writing it down makes it sound sort of selfish. But still I wonder. Isn't the life of a child one of the most precious things on the face of the earth? How could any rational being sit by and watch a child suffer while having the power to do something about it?[1] Why is he doing this to us?
Then, after I've had a chance to ponder for a while, I come to the question of "how". When I sit and think, I can sometimes reach the place where I can accept that Doug is different because God wants him to be different. He has a purpose. Then I move on to the question of "how". (and feel quite proud that I made it past the "why" step ever so temporarily). How is God going to use him. What great and powerful thing will Doug do in his life to make this all worthwhile? How is God going to work this out? When? (I think you know where this is going...)
You know what though? There's another step to take. A sideways step. I need to step outside the chain of questions. I need to trust. Trust is when believing is enough. Trust is when the character of God is all that you need to know about. Trust is believing that God is good, righteous, and loving. Trust is believing that an all powerful, loving God has a plan, and that the plan is good. Trust is letting go of the how, why, when questions, and accepting where we are today. "Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it." (Psalms 37:5)
Trust is a very peaceful place.
[1] Just as I was writing this, I had a side thought. How hypocritical to blame God. I idly sit by and let the world suffer every day. I drive by the homeless without a care in the world, I watch stories of suffering families around the world on the news. I see people struggling in life, and decide that I'm too busy to help them - they'll have to figure it out themselves. Maybe God isn't sitting idly by. Maybe he is giving his followers - us - me - the resources and abilities to make a difference, and I am the one dropping the ball. That's not really what I sat down to blog about, but this footnote is where I ended up. I guess this is why I blog...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Manna From Heaven?
How many of you have ever heard the Lord's Prayer? Growing up, we had to recite it every morning in school, right after we sang Oh Canada. (or was it right before?). I don't think they do that anymore.
Anyhow - life has been busy lately. So busy we didn't have a chance to get out and go grocery shopping. This has created some interesting meal combinations. I had a meeting downtown on Wednesday, and was looking in the pantry for breakfast. Boy were we out. We needed to get out to a grocery store soon. Looks like I'm going into my meeting on an empty stomach.
Then, what should we find at the front door? It seems the "free sample" people have been around. They left an Oatmeal To Go package, and a 1/2 sized box of Life cereal. Breakfast is served! It reminded me of the Israelites leaving Egypt, and getting fed manna every morning.
So what does that mean to me? I got to thinking. Do I rely on God enough for my daily needs? Am I too dependent on my own skills and abilities? I sometimes wonder how I will ever manage to provide for the needs of my family. There's always just one more thing that we need to do/get. Perhaps the whole point of the exercise is that I'm not supposed to manage. Maybe, just maybe, my life is getting so busy because God is deliberately letting me get overloaded so that he can finally drive it through my thick skull that I'm not the one in charge of providing. I'm merely one of the many vessels that God pours his provisions through.
I'm going to let these thoughts rattle around a bit and see what comes out.
Anyhow - life has been busy lately. So busy we didn't have a chance to get out and go grocery shopping. This has created some interesting meal combinations. I had a meeting downtown on Wednesday, and was looking in the pantry for breakfast. Boy were we out. We needed to get out to a grocery store soon. Looks like I'm going into my meeting on an empty stomach.
Then, what should we find at the front door? It seems the "free sample" people have been around. They left an Oatmeal To Go package, and a 1/2 sized box of Life cereal. Breakfast is served! It reminded me of the Israelites leaving Egypt, and getting fed manna every morning.
So what does that mean to me? I got to thinking. Do I rely on God enough for my daily needs? Am I too dependent on my own skills and abilities? I sometimes wonder how I will ever manage to provide for the needs of my family. There's always just one more thing that we need to do/get. Perhaps the whole point of the exercise is that I'm not supposed to manage. Maybe, just maybe, my life is getting so busy because God is deliberately letting me get overloaded so that he can finally drive it through my thick skull that I'm not the one in charge of providing. I'm merely one of the many vessels that God pours his provisions through.
I'm going to let these thoughts rattle around a bit and see what comes out.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Today.
Allison and I got some time kid-free this last weekend, and decided to try going on a date again. We took Saturday night and went out to Abbotsford for dinner and a concert. It was a Brian Doersken concert - a great worship music leader and artist.
It was a great concert, musically speaking. The sound was great, our seats were great (aside from the guy sitting in front of us how received/made at least 8 calls during the concert). The only problem was that I wasn't feeling very connected. I had expected to be drawn into a meaningful time of worship - yet I felt like I was sitting in an island amongst a sea of hundreds of passionate worshippers. I thought about this through the first half of the concert, and came to a realization. Worship is not something that someone else can pull you into. It's something that you have to do for yourself. It must come from an act of the will within you. Worship is a part of a personal relationship, and in a personal relationship, there is no room for passengers.
There were two things that stood out for me during the concert. Brian has two children who have Fragile X Syndrome. He told us a frightening statistic - that 80% of marriages with disabled children end in divorce. I found that shocking, and quite frightening. My first thought is that there's no way I want to end up in that 80%, and I'll have to work hard at it. My second thought was that I'll be meeting and getting to know a fair number of people in this category over the years. I need to maintain my marriage in a way that is a hope and inspiration to others who may be struggling.
The second thing that stood out for me was the song Today. I was struck about how we make a commitment to live for Christ, and "accept him into our lives". We tend to think of this as a one time event - like getting married. The truth of the matter is that this commitment doesn't really mean much unless we live TODAY for him. Each and every day we have a choice to make. We can live for the vain pursuits of the world, or we can live for the things that are eternally important. I'm going to make a conscious effort to start each and every day for the next little while listening to this song - and reminding myself that yesterday and tomorrow aren't what is important. Today is where I am, and today is where I need to make my choices. Today.
(in other news, my heart is breaking today. I've just heard that a good friend has been diagnosed with cancer. pray that I can be of some comfort and help.)
It was a great concert, musically speaking. The sound was great, our seats were great (aside from the guy sitting in front of us how received/made at least 8 calls during the concert). The only problem was that I wasn't feeling very connected. I had expected to be drawn into a meaningful time of worship - yet I felt like I was sitting in an island amongst a sea of hundreds of passionate worshippers. I thought about this through the first half of the concert, and came to a realization. Worship is not something that someone else can pull you into. It's something that you have to do for yourself. It must come from an act of the will within you. Worship is a part of a personal relationship, and in a personal relationship, there is no room for passengers.
There were two things that stood out for me during the concert. Brian has two children who have Fragile X Syndrome. He told us a frightening statistic - that 80% of marriages with disabled children end in divorce. I found that shocking, and quite frightening. My first thought is that there's no way I want to end up in that 80%, and I'll have to work hard at it. My second thought was that I'll be meeting and getting to know a fair number of people in this category over the years. I need to maintain my marriage in a way that is a hope and inspiration to others who may be struggling.
The second thing that stood out for me was the song Today. I was struck about how we make a commitment to live for Christ, and "accept him into our lives". We tend to think of this as a one time event - like getting married. The truth of the matter is that this commitment doesn't really mean much unless we live TODAY for him. Each and every day we have a choice to make. We can live for the vain pursuits of the world, or we can live for the things that are eternally important. I'm going to make a conscious effort to start each and every day for the next little while listening to this song - and reminding myself that yesterday and tomorrow aren't what is important. Today is where I am, and today is where I need to make my choices. Today.
(in other news, my heart is breaking today. I've just heard that a good friend has been diagnosed with cancer. pray that I can be of some comfort and help.)
Thursday, March 1, 2007
There's good news too!
I've noticed that I tend to blog most when I'm feeling down. When things are going well, and I'm happy, I'm too busy being happy to bother to write about it.
So, in an effort to balance out my entries, I give you the following...
So, in an effort to balance out my entries, I give you the following...
- I'm HAPPY that the squirrel in my attic has been convinced to move out in a very final way.
- I'm HAPPY that it didn't seem to come in through the same holes as last time, and that my efforts at locking it out last time were not directly thwarted.
- I'm somewhat less HAPPY that the stupid thing chewed through not one, but at least two roof vents (about 6 months old). He's damaged at least 4 others...
- I'm HAPPY that Cora (from the Langley Child Development Centre) was able to take a few minutes today to put things into perspective. She has a true gift for meeting families in need.
- I'm HAPPY that I have a roof (without too many new holes) above my head, and food to eat in my refrigerator.
- I'm HAPPY that we only have another week to go without a working kitchen sink.
- I'm HAPPY that our oven should be working in about the same amount of time.
- I'm REALLY HAPPY that the microwave has been invented.
So you see? Sometimes, it is all good.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Something is missing here...
Today is a frustrating day.
Poor Douglas sits downstairs, watching TV. It's not what he wants to do, it's not what we want him to do, and it's not what is best for him. But it's what is happening.
Why?
Because we are dealing with his "administrative" side. We've got more medical opinions and diagnosis than I knew existed, and with them are suggested treatment programmes. To help us with the treatment programmes, there is funding. To get the funding, you have to do the paperwork. It's ongoing. So, instead of teaching and playing with Doug, Allison sits in my office filling out forms. Once those are complete - we get to track down, interview, and book various therapists for him. At least we could - if someone could point us to a good one! It feels so wrong to just pick a name at random from a phone book. But to find a good one, requires research, and THAT requires more time. And Douglas sits in front of the TV.
As a result of all the extra help that he needs/gets, he gets to spend less time with us - because we need to "manage" it all. We want to find the best possible help for him - but at what cost? Where do we draw the line between finding the best help, and saving enough time and energy for our family life?
Make it all stop.
Poor Douglas sits downstairs, watching TV. It's not what he wants to do, it's not what we want him to do, and it's not what is best for him. But it's what is happening.
Why?
Because we are dealing with his "administrative" side. We've got more medical opinions and diagnosis than I knew existed, and with them are suggested treatment programmes. To help us with the treatment programmes, there is funding. To get the funding, you have to do the paperwork. It's ongoing. So, instead of teaching and playing with Doug, Allison sits in my office filling out forms. Once those are complete - we get to track down, interview, and book various therapists for him. At least we could - if someone could point us to a good one! It feels so wrong to just pick a name at random from a phone book. But to find a good one, requires research, and THAT requires more time. And Douglas sits in front of the TV.
As a result of all the extra help that he needs/gets, he gets to spend less time with us - because we need to "manage" it all. We want to find the best possible help for him - but at what cost? Where do we draw the line between finding the best help, and saving enough time and energy for our family life?
Make it all stop.
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